TripAdvisor for humans

In the age of reviews being King (or Queen), it should come as no surprise that a lot of us place a great deal of value in the opinions of others. ‘Should I eat here? Should I stay here? Should I travel here? Is this place nice to visit? Does this shop sell good clothes? Does this restaurant serve good food?’

But the problem with this is; we have different perspectives. And isn’t that one of the best things about us humans? What might be a “nice” place to stay for one person, might be the idea of an old crack-den to someone else. The shop that sells “good” clothes might fit one body type but be enough to induce body dysmorphia for another. And the restaurant with good food – how many different flavours, tastes, preferences and dietary requirements are there?

So why is it then, that the opinions of others means so much?

As we travel through life, it becomes quickly apparent that we all experience things quite differently. Even a specific event; will be felt, understood and experienced differently between people i.e. childbirth. Even exactly the same event i.e. a wedding, will be experienced differently between the people that attend, for instance.

As humans, it is instinctive to want to be liked and have people around us. ‘Safety in numbers’ and all that. But we no longer live in caveman days where we have to worry about predators. So groups of people are not around to physically save our lives. But of course, friends and family do serve vital purposes still. And it might be that these groups of people may save your life in other ways. So this desire to “fit in” and be included is natural. But when does this need become detrimental to our wellbeing, rather than protective?

It got me to thinking… how much value do I place in the opinions of others? About me as a person, about my life choices, about my achievements, about how I look. And the conclusion I have come to is: way too damn much! If worry over the opinions of others is causing you not to do the things you want, then you are placing too much value in their opinions, and not enough in your own.

An eye-opening moment for me was when I was considering putting myself through yet another year of university to complete my Masters (I only need to complete the dissertation module and I’m done!) And it’s not only myself that gets put through it; I have to cut myself off from life for the year, so my children, partner and friends all feel it too. It was when D asked me what I was doing it for, that it got me thinking about this. Doing it won’t further my career in my field, and it isn’t something I feel passionate about doing. So why consider it? And it boiled down to what others would think, and if they’d be proud of my achievements. Ironically, these people in our lives that we feel we have to keep on pleasing and making proud; are the people that are least likely to ever give us that recognition.

So how, then, do we go about changing it? Spending time with yourself is always a good place to start, I think. Really getting to know what’s important to you: what are your values and beliefs? And challenging them: where do they come from? Are they learned beliefs or found? Have your opinions changed as you’ve grown? Therapy might help some people to look at these things; therapy serves as protected space in order to consider points of reflection.

Undoubtedly, your tribe will come part of this process. But parts of your tribe may be part of the problem, and that might be something you uncover when you are looking inwards. They say that we become a mixture of the three people we spend the most time with. So you may find yourself evaluating who you spend your time with, and if their beliefs and values are really aligned with your own or if you’ve stayed somewhere out of convenience.

It is by no means an easy process, but I would argue reaching a place of being happy with who you are is priceless, so a certain amount of discomfort is to be expected, no?

I think another part of trying to place less importance in the opinions of others is learning to be ok with being the villain in someone else’s story. It might not be factually accurate, and it may not sit well with you (especially if the person has arrived at the conclusion in a somewhat ignorant and closed-off manner), but does it matter? Maybe that is what they need to be ok with themselves or what happened.

Perhaps another element is disconnecting to reconnect. Come off social media for a while; it’s good for the soul. Reconnect with the people and places around you instead. Spend more time in nature, and less time in the virtual world of unsolicited advice and opinions.

And with that… I’m off to watch clouds!